What I Want
by Santrea
Summary: Seto has something that Mokuba wants SetoRyou and MokubaRyou Ch 5 up! The drama continues.
1. The assignment and some help

Disclaimer: Don't own it. It would suck if I did anyway.  
  
A/N: I don't know if anybody has written something like this before or not but I'm hoping it's the first. Cookie: I hope! I hope! I hope! I hope! I hope! Erm.. Do you think saying that will make it true? Cookie: Yes. (continues her chant while hopping up and down excitedly) Anyways on with the fic! Oh before I forget Seto, Ryou and all the others are 18 and Mokuba is 14 in this chapter.  
  
What I Want  
  
Mokuba's journal  
  
I'm watching both of you as I write this. I don't know if you know I'm watching, maybe you don't care if I see you with your white haired beauty. Your kissing him and I wish that wasn't so brother. I wish you didn't have him but how can I say such things? You are my brother you have always been there for me, you have always put my happiness before your own. And now that you have some happiness of your own I want to take that from you. I want his chocolate eyes to be filled with love when they look upon me, I want to be the one he moans for, I want to be the one he loves. I want to be the one on that couch with him, the one to stare into his eyes as the firelight flickers illuminating his face. I want what you have but I know that to take him from you would be a betrayal that you couldn't handle.  
  
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Mokuba's POV  
My brother and Ryou have stopped kissing long enough to notice me. He brushes away a strand of Ryou's silvery hair before averting his eyes to me.  
"What is it Mokuba?" Seto asks, his voice is annoyed and I can see that he wants to be alone with his boyfriend. His hand is still resting on Ryou's waist in an almost possessive way. Does he know? Does he know that if I could take Ryou from him with out it hurting him I would?  
" I was just wondering if you could help me with my writing homework." Is my reply. Mostly it is a lie, I could do it by myself but I'll do anything to get Seto away from him.  
He sighs, "Mokuba, you know I'm not very good at writing. What's the assignment?" Seto has a look of long suffering on his face and it annoys me. How can he feel annoyed when he has him, when the angel was just in his arms a few seconds ago? But then again I suppose I can understand. I wouldn't want to be interrupted if I was he.  
"I have to write an original story. It's supposed to be sixteen pages long. (A/N: This was assignment I had to do. It's what made me like writing, so all thank my wonderful teacher Mrs. Nehrig) I can't come up with any ideas for the plot."  
He sighs exasperatedly. I know he can't write to save his life. Seto's mind is best suited to the realm of logic. Which is probably why Kiaba corp. is so successful.  
But then something I never thought could happen happens. Ryou looks at Seto and then at me and says "I can help you if you want Mokuba?" If it were in my nature I probably would have fainted at that very second. Him helping me?  
I swallow and try to stop a blush from rising to my cheeks "Uh. yeah. That'd be great. I know how Seto hates writing so it would be better if you could any way. Thanks." Inwardly I roll my eyes, wow that sounded great, just great Mokuba.  
He untangles himself from my brother's embrace and comes to stand by my chair. I've always loved how he moves; he steps softly and his legs move with such grace. He could be a dancer. I sigh wistfully, how I wish I could dance with him, and he mistakes it as a sign of how much I hate this assignment.  
"Don't worry once you have an idea it'll be easy." He bends down to read the guidelines that sit in front of me not realizing that a lock of his unruly hair is brushing against my cheek. I can't help but feel guilty. If he knew the thoughts that are running through my head right now he would blush. Not that that would help because I would find that endearing in itself. His hair is so soft, so perfect, I want to be able to run my fingers through it. I want to feel that silky softness slip through my fingers again and again.  
He stands upright again bringing me back to reality. He shakes his head tossing his hair away from his face. Why do I notice his hair so much? I wonder. Do I have a hair fetish? "So have you written any thing before?" I finger my own ebony locks thinking I really do like my own so maybe it's possible.  
"Mokuba?" His voice is questioning but not impatient.  
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was uh. trying to think of an idea for the plot. But no I haven't written anything before except for in class."  
"Hmm." He sounds thoughtful and stays silent for a moment. His lips are pressed into a thin line. But even in that state they look warm and inviting. Soft and full. Perfectly kissable.  
He sits down in the chair next to me, brown eyes fixed on me. "What do you like to read?" He settles his chin on one elegantly shaped hand. I want to smack myself, now I'm noticing his hands as well. I really shouldn't be obsessing over my brother's boyfriend.  
Should I really answer his question? If he new I really like shonnen- ai and yaio he might be worried about how I look at him. If he thinks I'm straight at least I can sneak quick peeks without worrying. "I um. I like adventure stories."  
"Right then, try to get ideas from your favorite books. It's as simple as that. I know when I first started to write it took me awhile to get an idea but once I did it was so easy." He smiles and looks around the room. "Got it?"  
I nod wishing I could think of something, anything to get him to stay.  
"Great! If you need any more help or just want me to read your story over sometime just give me a call, Seto knows my number. Speaking of which where did your brother go?"  
"Probably to his office." I reply dejectedly. "It's up the stairs-"  
"And to the right, four doors down on the left hand side of the hall." He finishes chuckling softly at my shocked expression. Then he turns heading towards the stairs, walking so elegantly. I really do wonder if he's any form of dance instruction?  
  
A/N: Okay I know that sucked. But this idea has been bugging me sooooo much that I had to write something. I think Mokuba was kinda out of character but maybe that's just me. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. (Cookie still chanting in the background) Especially if it'll get her to shut up. Ciao and thanks for reading! 


	2. The Truth

A/N: The Japanese DVDs are such a great inspiration for this fic. The relationship between Seto and Mokuba is so much more touching than in the American version.  
  
What I Want Chapter two~  
  
Mokuba's Journal  
  
Last night I couldn't sleep. I had a weird urge to draw something. While I drew I could hear Seto typing in his office. He's always worked so hard to protect me and provide for me. So why do I want do I want Ryou? I feel like such a traitor. He's always trusted me. When he went away he left me with the company's key. And now I'm betraying that trust.  
  
When I realized what I was drawing I was aghast. I had drawn a rough sketch of Ryou and he was embracing someone. me?  
  
It was too much. I pushed the paper away and began to cry. I hate myself. I hate everything so much. I even find myself hating Seto sometimes because he has Ryou. I think I hate that most of all.  
  
How can I hate Seto? How can I hate him who has done so much for me? He always kept me safe, from bullies at the orphanage, from Gozaburo, everybody who ever threatened me. So how can I hate him just because of Ryou? Everything is so messed up right now. I have to stop thinking this way. I feel like I'm losing control of myself and soon I don't know what I'll do to make things better.  
  
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Seto's POV  
  
"Mokuba? Mokuba?" I call as I walk into his bedroom. I glace around to see if he's anywhere maybe hiding from me. When he was younger he used to hide and then jump out and tackle me. I smile it's been a long time since he's done that. My little brother is growing up I guess.  
  
As I turn to leave and continue my search an open notebook catches my attention. Is this the assignment he was talking about? Picking it up I flip to the front and begin to read.  
  
Today Seto left. I don't know why. He left but I think it's Yugi's fault. I'll make him pay for making Seto leave. He'll pay and then I'll find Seto and give him the keys to the company's information.  
  
I pause, is this a diary? Mokuba's diary? I skim the rest of the entries thinking that I should stop. I should stop right now before Mokuba sees me but I continue on.  
  
I think I might be gay. There I've admitted it. I can't help it. I just don't know what to do. I hate this, not being normal like everyone else. I've never been normal but this is worse. Knowing that when I look at my best friend I'm thinking how cute he is and not the normal blank that guys are supposed to feel when the see each other. Why am I this way? Why?  
  
My mouth drops open, my little brother is gay? I never realized.. My thoughts trail off as I read.  
  
How can I like him? He's my best friend. He would be sick if he knew what I feel when I think about him. It's all just so hopeless. I bet he wouldn't even be sad if I died. I would never know if I did. I hope no one ever finds out about what I'm doing. If they saw the scars they might have me taken away from my big brother. And then there would be nobody to cry for me.  
  
I remember thoughts like these. I always hated it when I liked someone within my class. I knew they would hate me for it and while that didn't bother me the thought that I might loose some of my power did. But Mokuba was cutting himself? Is he still doing it? I need to know.  
  
I flip a couple months ahead and find something that scares me. The pages have blood on them.  
  
I shouldn't have done his. I shouldn't have cut so deeply. And now I can barley write this, it hurts so badly. I'm in my bathroom so there will be no stains on the carpet. Seto's not at home he's on that business trip to America. I'll have time to clean everything up so he'll never know. I won't do this again. I won't at least for him I won't. Seto told me to be careful and stay safe because he wouldn't know what to do without me. I know he was joking when he said it but I know it's true. So for him I'll live this life no matter how horrible it gets and I'll try to always seem happy. I think I will go to bed now. Things are getting fuzzy.  
  
Kami-sama, Mokuba was that close to death and I never knew? I feel cold and my hands begin to tremble slightly. Did he really quit? My little brother is always trying to pretend for me. That's my job not his.  
  
I think I might be in love. No that's stupid, I barely know him. I don't think anybody really knows him. He's so quiet, he almost never talks. But he seems so sad. I just want to help him. I know what it's like to be sad. Whenever I think of him I look at my scars and I know I could never let him do that to himself. He's much too beautiful for that. He reminds me of the first days of winter when it's cold and it snows for the first time but the air seems to hold regret for ever changing and killing the plants. Ryou would never kill; he's too gentle for that. But he would never love me because I'm too young for him. Not even his compassion could make him love me.  
  
Ryou? My Ryou? Mokuba loves Ryou? Shit.  
  
"Seto? Hey Seto what are you doing.?" His eyes are wide as I jump away from the desk. It's too late to hide now.  
  
"Mokuba I" His eyes are filled with an anger that I rarely see from him.  
  
"What have you read?" He spits out angrily. He grabs the book from my hands and realizes what I was just reading. He looks at me on second longer and then he runs.  
  
A/N: Well what do you all think? I like this much better than the first chapter but that may be the fever talking. Yup I'm sick but at least I got to stay home today. Joy. Anyways please review and tell me if you like this so far. 


	3. An early morning phone call and a supris...

A/N: Heylo peoples I finally got this up. I'm just going to let you read it. Disclaimer: I don't own it, wish I did but I'm too tired to fight the devil's spawn (lawyers) for it.  
  
Ryou's POV  
  
The phone is ringing. I roll over sleepily in my bed popping my head out from under the mountain of blankets I'm sleeping under. The red numbers on my clock show me that it's 7:20.  
  
"Ungh." it's too early. I just want to sleep. Is that too much to ask? To sleep until nine or ten on a Sunday?  
  
The phone rings again; muttering I push back the covers and walk groggily across the room to my desk where the evil thing sits, sitting innocently in it's blue cradle still ringing like there's no tomorrow. I glare at it before picking it up silencing it finally.  
  
I plop back down on my bed as I say "Hello?"  
  
"Ryou. It's Seto."  
  
He sounds slightly panicked and any irritation I held before melts away being replaced with concern. "Is everything okay?"  
  
He takes a deep shuddering breath as if to calm himself down. "Have you seen Mokuba? He ran away."  
  
"What? Why?" My thoughts are racing as I think of the raven-haired boy. He would never do that to Seto. He cares about him much too much.  
  
His voice is laced with regret as he says, "It's my fault. I read his diary. It seems he has quite a few secrets he doesn't want known."  
  
For some reason his words anger me. I can remember having no privacy once the spirit of the millennium ring came to me. "We all have secrets; and if he didn't want to share them with you Seto then you shouldn't have pried." My voice is strangely cold and I instantly feel bad but at the same time I know that I was justified.  
  
"He was going to kill himself damn it!" His voice raises and I can hear the near hysteria in it.  
  
My eyes widen but I keep my voice calm for his sake. "What exactly did it say?"  
  
"It said that he was cutting himself and that when I was away he almost killed himself." His voice becomes a sharp wail then quiets to a scared whimper. "I- I It's Mokuba! My little brother, He's the only thing I have left. Ry."  
  
"I'm coming over." I'm already halfway dressed and about to grab my shirt when he says, "No." Thankfully his voice has regained some of it's familiar calm assuredness.  
"He- He might show up at your house."  
  
"My house but why?" Why would Mokuba come to his brother's boyfriend's house?  
  
"Because-" he begins but the doorbell rings distracting me from the rest of the sentence.  
  
"Sorry but there's someone at the door can you give me a second?" I really hate how inconvenient some things are, like people ringing doorbells when you're trying to console your boyfriend.  
  
"Sure."  
  
I lay the phone down and walk to the front of my home. I open the door thinking thankfully that I'm actually dressed now but such thought are driven away as I'm faced with a red-eyed Mokuba.  
  
"Ryou c- can I stay here for awhile?" He pleads, his eyes cast upward tugging at my heart.  
  
"Of course." I place my hand on his shoulder leading him into the living room, noticing that he's holding a blue spiral notebook  
  
"I'll be right back. I uh have my father on the phone." He nods and I walk away.  
  
A/N: Sorry it's been so long folks. I've been so busy, high school is tiring. Zzzz.. I hope this chapter is satisfactory. I have some of the next one written as well and I expect to get it up by next weekend. 


	4. Closer

A/N: I like not going to school. It gives me time to type. Yay!  
  
Disclaimer: Do you really think that I own it? If you do I'm going to have to worry about your sanity.  
  
Mokuba's Diary  
  
He read this! I can't believe it. I'm more worried than mad I guess. I ran out but after I had calmed myself down all I could think about was what he had read, had he read all of it? What did he think? What will he do? I have no idea what to do.I need to go. I don't know where, anywhere just get me away from here. Away from this life that no longer seems worth the hassle.  
  
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Mokuba's POV  
  
I watch him leave; walking away to what is presumably his bedroom.  
  
How could he? I thought that he trusted me. Not that he should whispered a cruel part of my brain that I found myself agreeing with. Seto knows that now. He knows what a horrible person I am. At least I don't have to worry about his reaction to me being gay.  
  
I snort then I start to giggle and soon I'm laughing hysterically, all of my emotions overwhelming me until I just can't control myself. I'm laughing so hard that I'm lying on the couch curled up in a ball with tears streaming down my face. I don't know why I can't stop; it's not funny. But I can't and my breath is coming in sharp gasps now.  
  
A hand gently touches my shoulder and I look up into Ryou's concerned and slightly scared eyes. Then I cry. Sobbing as hysterically as I had been laughing.  
  
"Fuck. Life isn't worth this hell." I try to wipe away my tears but they just keep coming. "Seto knows what a terrible person I am. He must be so ashamed to have me as a brother."  
  
"That's not true Mokuba." He wraps his arms around me, stroking my hair gently as his shirt gets soaked with my tears. It figures that when he finally holds me I'm in no position to enjoy it. " He's really worried, that's why he called me."  
  
"What?" I pull away quickly and grab my stuff. "I have to go."  
  
Ryou grasps my shirtsleeve holding me back "I didn't tell him. I didn't think you'd want to see him right away. Don't worry."  
  
I push back a strand of hair from my face "You didn't?" I can't believe that Ryou would keep something from Seto.  
  
"No I didn't." He takes my journal from my hands and sets it back on the table. "He shouldn't have read your journal but you should have trusted him when you were depressed. He would have been sympathetic." I'm not surprised that he knows what happened but I wonder if he knows how I feel about him or did Seto decide to keep that to himself? "No he wouldn't have. He believes hat we should endure any pain that comes our way and not succumb to it. He would never do what I did. I know Seto, he could never understand what I did."  
  
Ryou looks at me for a long while; brown eyes searching my face. Finally he sighs, "Perhaps not. But I can." He rolls up one of his sleeves. His pale flesh is crisscrossed with scars, some deeper than others but no recent ones.  
  
I feel my mouth form a small o and I reach out, gently tracing the lines. "Ryou." I barely notice my slip as my eyes fill with tears.  
  
He takes my hand and pushes my sleeve up revealing the puckered scars that always remind me of how easily life can slip away. Newer, still red marks complement them, their blood barely dry. "Sometimes it's easier to deal with physical pain than emotional pain."  
  
I nod mutely still shocked that Ryou, my beautiful Ryou, did this to himself.  
  
"Let me see it." I don't have to ask what he's talking about. I fish around in my jeans finally grasping my quarry. I hold the pocketknife out to him. He takes it, puts it in his pocket and says "You're not getting this back."  
  
I shrug, suddenly rebellious "I have more." Mentally adding, so there.  
  
"Of course you do but you're not going to use them." Is his sure reply.  
  
Defiance flares up in me, they can't take them away. I need them. "I need them. You can't make me." Just because this is Ryou, just because he knows how it feels to need the blade doesn't mean I'll let him take them away.  
  
His hand moves to trace the deep wounds I never meant to make. "Do you want that to happen again, Mokuba? Because it will, whether you want it to or not. I know." With that he rolls up his other sleeve revealing several deep slashes across his wrist. "Things will get bad, you won't realize how hard you're cutting; stop before that happens again."  
  
I feel my arm, the raised lines pressing against my fingers. I remember how I felt that day. I was so scared as the blood left my veins. Only twelve, I didn't want to die I realized in those minutes. "No I don't want that to happen. But it won't, I'm in control."  
  
For a moment I think of Seto, how he always seems so sure of himself and I realize that I sound like him saying that. But I know that deep down Seto isn't as in control as everyone believes him to be.  
  
Ryou looks sad as he says "I wish I could believe that Mokuba. But we know it's not true. As soon as you accept that you'll be able to understand what I'm saying." He runs his fingers through his hair. He pulls his sleeves down and looks at me again " If you need me you know where I am. Now why don't you call Seto, he deserves at least some knowledge of where you are." He looks tired as he hands me the phone.  
  
As I dial I think but I do need you Ryou. Don't you see that? Don't you see that I have found someone I can love in you? Those thoughts leave as my brother answers his phone.  
  
"Kaiba."  
  
A/N: Wheee! I'm very happy with this chapter. It's my favorite so far. Of course now I have really no idea where to go from now. -_- Anyways please do review.  
  
Cookie: It rhymes!  
  
.*shakes head* 


	5. Confrontation

Chapter Five

Seto's POV

My phone rings.

"Kaiba." I really don't need this right now. Would anyone that just found out their brother is suicidal need this?

"Uh…" Mokuba's voice, hesitant, afraid, but Mokuba.

"Mokuba?" I question, my voice coming out harsher than I had intended it to. "Where are you?"

"At a friends." I can picture him, teeth gritted, not wanting this conversation to continue. Well too bad because I want it to. And it will.

"Mokuba, where are you?" I ask again insistent. "Tell me." Please I add to myself.

"No." He's firm, when have I ever heard out right defiance from him? I want to scream at him, ask him why he would do what he did, tell him he's an idiot for almost killing himself. But I don't, barely.

"Mokuba…" My voice is soft, I can't yell at him… and I can't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I haven't cried in years, not even when Pegasus took him from me. Then I was filled with cold rage. But now the enemy is Mokuba but he's also the victim and I can never be angry with him, not truly. "Why…?"

"Because I like it big brother. Because it feels so good to see my blood flowing from my veins. That's why."

I hiss as I hear this. "How can it feel good, Mokuba?"

"You wouldn't understand. People who don't cut don't understand." Simple answer and incredibly infuriating because of that.

"God damnit Mokuba! What if you died?!" So much for not yelling…

"Maybe it would be better that way." Click, the phone goes dead. Damnit Mokuba. Have you forgotten I can call you back? Have you forgotten that cell phones register the number that called last. Have you- I blink at the screen that can't be right… It says Ryou called me last from his home phone. You're not there. _Are you?_ We'll see when I get there.

Scene Change

Ryou's POV

I walk into the living room to see Mokuba gathering his things. "Where are you going Mokuba?"

He looked up startled. "Oh, Ryou." He looks away for a minuet "I can't stay here. I'm sorry Ryou but I need to be by myself."

"Are you sure, Mokuba?" I ask, in my opinion he shouldn't be alone but if he really wants to I will have to let him go.

"Yeah, yeah." He smiles softly, sadly. "Thanks. Thanks for everything Ryou."

"You have my number right? So you can call me if you need anything." I know it'll be awhile before he's really okay.

"Yep." He pulls out his cell phone from his pocket for a second, as if to reassure me. "I'll be fine, but, thanks. Well," he starts awkwardly as he reaches the door "I'll see you later." And the door shuts behind him.

I fall down onto the couch letting my arm cover my eyes. This is not going to end well, I can already tell.

Someone knocks on the door and I rise groaning. It's probably a salesman… "Yes?" I ask opening the door. Then my eyes widen "Oh hi, Seto. I thought you were going to look for Mokuba."

"I am." He growls. "Where is he?"

I move aside so he can enter. As he calls for Mokuba I rub my temples. This isn't going to end well at all. "He already left." I say softly.

Seto rounds on me, fire in his eyes, "What? What did you say?" His voice is soft, dangerous. And I would be a fool not to be scared, even if he is my boyfriend.

"I said, he left." I look up at him and I hate myself for not telling him when Mokuba arrived.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Now he's hurt. I can see it in his eyes, his voice is still menacing but he's upset. With me.

"I- you both needed sometime to cool off. I talked with him. Don't worry." I place a hand on his shoulder but he pushes me off roughly.

"Don't worry? How the hell am I supposed to not worry when my little brother could be hurting himself right now!?"

"I took his knife from him." I hand it to him. He looks at it for a long time. I can only imagine what he's thinking. "Things will be okay. Really. I understand."

His eyes snap from the pocketknife to me. "How could you possibly know?"

I sigh, he doesn't know about me. He's never seen me with my shirt off; things haven't gone that far. "I've been though this before." Simple explanation, but Seto Kaiba doesn't stand for simple explanations.

A/N: It's been a long time… I'm sorry for not updating sooner. Forgive and forget?


End file.
